Is This Love or Neediness?

“I am so in love that I want to spend every waking moment with my significant other. Wherever he goes, I want to go. Wherever I go, he wants to come along. I never thought I’d be this in love with anyone. I think about him every minute of the day and try to think about what I can do to help him in his very stressful job. Oftentimes, I will stop by his office and bring him coffee and lunch unannounced just to surprise him. My significant other has a fear of driving to unknown places. I will often drive him to where he has to go; it’s not a problem for me.” Do you see yourself in this type of scenario? Does this sound familiar to you? Is this love or neediness? Have there been times in your life that you have lost yourself by focusing on someone else? It can happen to the best people. Usually these people are kind hearted, loving, eager to help and very needy. They are willing to lose themselves in order to receive some type of validation from outside. When we are looking for validation from outside forces, we almost always end up feeling depleted, resentful and angry. Looking for validation from the outside is referred to as exogenous… meaning I get my validation from the outside world whether that be from people or material things. Endogenous means it is coming from internal forces not external. I feel good about myself from within. I do not need anyone to tell me I’m ok. I’m ok without you. You might be asking yourself “how do I get there?” “My whole life revolves around doing things for other people … my boyfriend, my husband, my wife, my kids, my friends, etc. Examine closely how often you sacrifice your needs for others. Doing this often leads to resentment and anger. How often do you agree to drive a friend’s child to school despite the fact that you are running late? What happens when you ask this same friend for the favor in return and they cannot accommodate you? Within time, resentfulness and anger build and we find ourselves being extremely unhappy. Listen to your internal voice and begin to strengthen your internal sense of identity. Once you can hear your inner voice, you can gently begin saying NO. I know for many the threat of saying no may jeopardize the relationship and I challenge you to think about whether this is the type of relationship that you want… one sided? Is your no fear based? What happens if I say no, and they leave me or I disappoint them? Use this as an opportunity to do some inner work and find YOU. At The Hellenic Therapy Center, 567 Park Avenue, Scotch Plains, New Jersey, we have a team of licensed professionals available day, evening and weekend hours. Call us at 908-322-0112, visit us at www.hellenictherapy.com, or find us on Facebook/Instagram.