Should You Be “Friends” With Your Child?

Whether through conversation with parents or in social media circles, you have likely seen the debate of whether or not it’s good for parents to be “friends with your child”. Some pride themselves on having their child be their “best friend”, while others feel that being friends with their children would be counter to the goals of parenting. According to research, the answer is not a clear “yes” or “no”. Rather, it depends on how you define friendship.

The Balance of Being Friends with Your Child

There are, indeed, aspects of friendship that run counter to the science of effective parenting – in particular, if you believe that friendship is a relationship between two people who are on equal footing. The reality of parenting is that the roles are not equal with respect to needs, give-and-take, knowledge and capability, power, and choice.

While the balance changes as the child grows into an adolescent and then an adult, there are usually some inequalities that remain. It is most important to recognize that young children in particular need from the parent a sense of safety, security, consistency, and boundaries.

Research shows that these needs are most effectively met through an authoritative parenting style, which is one that combines warmth and affection with developmentally appropriate rules and expectations. This is in contrast to the permissive parenting style that many associate with friendship, which is high on nurturing and acceptance but low on structure and expectations.

Children whose parents practice authoritative parenting have also been shown to develop better emotional regulation as well as behavioral self-control, as well as more secure attachment to their parents than those who practice a permissive, more “friend-like” style of parenting. The remaining two styles: authoritarian (high on control and demand, and low on nurturing and support) and neglectful/rejecting (uninvolved, unsupportive, and undemanding) are also shown to have better regulation.

The Pitfalls of Over-Disclosure and Permissive Parenting

Another pitfall of “friendship” between parents and children is over-disclosure by the parent to the child. Children whose parents tell them too many intimate details of their lives, or who put them in the role of therapist or provider of emotional support, tend not to feel closer to the parent but rather to suffer from anxiety.

The Positive Aspects of Friendship in Parenting

Nevertheless, there are aspects of friendship that can be beneficial in the parent-child relationship, including:

• Mutual Respect and Trust: Parents who are “mind-minded” – that is, who believe that children’s thoughts and feelings are significant and their behaviors are meaningful and are tuned into their children’s emotions and desires – tend to create more secure parent-child attachments and raise children with stronger social skills and self-regulation.

Children who feel that they can trust their parents are also more securely attached and more likely to feel that they can come to their parents with problems. Children who feel that their parents trust them have also been shown to make better behavioral choices such as avoiding substance misuse and risky sexual activity.

• Open, Responsive Communication: Inductive discipline – the practice of explaining the reasons for rules and boundaries – has been shown to lead to greater self-control, less aggression, and a higher level of moral reasoning in children.

Likewise, when adolescents perceive their parents as being friendly, rational, and responsive, they tend to consider the parents’ viewpoints (rather than those of their peers) in when making key moral decisions. Overall, children who feel that they can go to their parents when they have a problem, and whose parents are more involved in their lives from a standpoint that combines support with supervision, tend to fare better on multiple measures of development, resilience, and well-being.

• Enjoying Each Other’s Company: All relationships are strengthened by positive shared experiences, and the parent-child relationship is no exception. Actively prioritizing sharing good times together builds memories, enhances communication and closeness, and strengthens the bond.

Finding the Right Balance

As with all things related to raising children, it’s important to remember that each child, each family, and each set of circumstances is different. Different children need different things from their parents at different times. The exact mix and nature of communication, closeness, boundaries, and expectations may differ even between different children within the same family, or the same child at different points in their development.

Families sometimes struggle to find the appropriate balance in their roles, at which point working with a mental health professional trained in family therapy techniques can be helpful in establishing healthy parent-child dynamics.

At Hellenic Therapy, 567 Park Avenue, Scotch Plains, NJ we have a team of licensed professionals with day, evening, and weekend hours available for individual, couples, or family therapy. Please visit us at www.hellenictherapy.com, FaceBook, or Instagram.  Call us at 908-322-0112 for further information.

Sources:

Bednar, D.E.& Fisher, T.D. (2003). Peer referencing in adolescent decision making as a function of perceived parenting style. Adolescence 38(152):607-21.

Borawski, E.A., Ievers-Landis, CE, Lovegreen LD, & Trapl, ES. (2003). Parental monitoring, negotiated unsupervised time, and parental trust: the role of perceived parenting practices in adolescent health risk behaviors. J Adolesc Health 33(2):60-70.

DeVore, E.R. & Ginsburg, K.R. (2005). The protective effects of good parenting on adolescents. Curr Opin Pediatr. 17(4):460-5.

Kirk, E.,, Pine, K., Wheatley, L., Howlett, N., Schulz, J., & Fletcher, B.C. (2015). A longitudinal investigation of the relationship between maternal mind-mindedness and theory of mind.  Br J Dev Psychol. 33(4):434-45.