Why “No” Can Be Such A Struggle

If you find that you frequently have a hard time saying “no”, you are not alone: studies show that somewhere between 30% and 60% of people struggle to say “no” even when they really want to. Situations where it’s difficult for someone to say “no” can range from small things. This can range from and include telling your child that they can’t have ice cream before dinner, turning down an offer from a friend to go out to lunch, or declining seconds at your mother-in-law’s dinner table.

This can also include higher-stakes choice points, such as unwanted sexual activity or relationship entanglements, a less-than-stellar job offer, or a request to invest a significant amount of money in a friend’s business venture. Regardless of the question at hand, being able to say “no” is an important life skill, and if this is something that you struggle with, it is worthwhile to examine why and to work on practicing and developing the ability.

Childhood Influences on Saying "No"

Generally, difficulties with saying “no” originate in childhood. Children are usually taught to do as they are told by parents, teachers, and other authority figures. The expectation of obedience is mingled with the inherent need of children for the approval of adults, whom they need for their very survival. If a child is raised by parents who are especially authoritarian, harshly punitive, or abusive, a child’s need to please the parent can become truly led by their survival instinct.

As the child grows, they come to associate a need to please people or gain their approval with survival. Thus, if they say “no” to someone and the person appears displeased, it can be a very uncomfortable, even frightening, feeling. For children who grew up in abusive homes, saying “no” was often not even a viable option. The prospect of any conflict over saying “no” was too dangerous to even consider.

Thus, as adults, they carry a deep fear of conflict, or it simply doesn’t occur to them that saying “no” is an option. They learn to always say “yes” in order to avoid being punished, rejected, or abandoned. These sorts of beliefs about ourselves and others become very deeply ingrained, to the point that they might become part of our identity; we receive approval and validation for being “nice”, “agreeable”, and “giving”. Then, the prospect of setting boundaries means risking losing that approval and potentially threatening relationships where those qualities have become especially valued and crucial.

The Health Impact of Not Saying "No"

While qualities like being nice and agreeable can be positive in relationships, if taken to an extreme, they can open us up to neglecting our own needs. It can cause us to resent doing things we don’t want to do, being taken advantage of, or being abused. There is also evidence that continually suppressing our own needs and desires rather than being assertive and prioritizing caring for ourselves, is associated with the development of a variety of serious chronic physical illnesses.  In short, being able to say “no” and assert our own needs, wants, and priorities is a key part of living a healthy, happy life.

Learning to Say "No"

Learning to say “no” when saying “yes” is counter to your needs or values starts with examining what makes it difficult for you to do so. If it is a serious and long-standing struggle for you, consider working with a mental health professional to identify the roots of the fear of saying "no”.

Being able to identify the foundational emotions and beliefs about ourselves and others that make saying “no” feel scary is the first step to challenging those beliefs and creating healthier self-talk that leads to better boundaries. Additional techniques for building this skill include:

• Start Small: Practice saying “no” in small, low-stakes situations, such as requests to upgrade a purchase.

• Take Your Time Before Saying “Yes”: Warren Buffet is quoted as saying “We need to learn the slow ‘yes’ and the quick ‘no.’” Stop and breathe a bit before saying “yes” to give yourself a chance to consider your own needs and wants in the situation.

• Assess the Consequences: In Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT), we aim to realistically assess the potential consequences of specific actions: what is the worst-case scenario, and just how bad is it? What might be the emotional consequences of saying “no” in a particular situation – how bad might the guilt or anxiety that you feel if you say “no” be, and is it something you can tolerate? Is it worth breaking your own boundaries or doing something that goes against your needs or values just to avoid whatever that consequence or emotion might be?

• Enlist Support: Let a few trusted friends or family members know that you are working on learning to say “no” and ask them to support you on this journey. There may be times when you question whether it’s right to say “no” in a particular situation, or when you know that it’s the right thing for you but are nervous and need a pep talk or some reassurance. A therapist can also serve that role, along with helping to work through the thoughts and emotions and practice the skills in session.

• Take Stock of Your Values: Take some time to deeply examine what is truly important to you. When you are clear about your deeply held values, decisions about whether to say “yes” or “no” to something may be easier to make. This is because you will look at whether the action would align with the things you hold most dear.

• Know What to Say: Having a few key polite but firm statements in your toolbox can help take the anxiety out of saying no. Remember you do not owe people an explanation or an apology, and that “no” can really be a complete sentence. However, there are many ways to decline a request or invitation in a kind and friendly way. Some examples might include:

  
  

  • “I’m afraid I can’t.”

  • “I’m sorry but I have another commitment.”

  • “I’m sorry, I’m not able to fit this in.”

  • “No, thank you, but it sounds lovely.”

  • “I’m sorry but I can’t do this right now.” This is most helpful when it really is a matter of timing, rather than something that you just would never want to do regardless.

  • “I can’t do this, but I can do that”. If you do not want to say no to the actual request, but a different action or a lesser commitment would work better for you, you can consider making that offer. Another way to express a similar sentiment is “I’m not comfortable doing that, but is there some other way I could help?”

  • “Let me think about it and get back to you.” If you would like to take a little time and examine the pros and cons of saying “yes” to a request, this is a very valid response. However, be mindful of consistently using this as a way to avoid saying “no” when that is what you really want to say.

It may take a significant amount of time and effort to learn to say “no” to things that don’t serve you, especially if the roots of the challenge stem from a traumatic childhood or other experiences that made you feel unsafe with asserting yourself and setting boundaries. Take your time, be patient with yourself, and practice self-compassion along the way; it is worth it to learn this skill in order to live a healthy life that aligns with your true values.

At The Hellenic Therapy Center, 567 Park Avenue, Scotch Plains, NJ we have a team of licensed professionals with day, evening, and weekend hours available for individual, couples, or family therapy. Please visit us at www.hellenictherapy.com, FaceBook, or Instagram.  Call us at 908-322-0112 for further information.